To be held.

One of the things that was actually really hard for me when I came back to the states after last year's Uganda trip was the lack of physical touch. Here kids are always crawling on top of me, Auntie Sara speaks to me while hugging and faces almost touching, momma monica's arms are always around me and every morning when i drop the kiddos off at school a mob of kids tackle me when I come through the gates. There are little physical boundaries between friends and almost no boundaries between family. I love it. Its weird because I used to be a very to myself, hands in my lap kind of person and my best friend from 2nd grade can attest to this! But Uganda forces you to touch and to break down walls. At API there are filthy boys covered in dirt and smelling bad from not showering in weeks but I feel nothing holding me back from reaching out an hugging them. The thought doesn't even cross my mind. I find myself putting my arms around perfect strangers asking "how are you doing?" I don't think I realized how much it is good for my soul to be held.

Apparently Collin is the same way :) he has Autism and he longs to be held. He will literally run up to my lap and force my arms around him to hold him to feel the pressure on him. But then at the next minute he will be trying to force himself out of my grip so he can run up to something else and play with that for a second or two before running back.

This is how I am with Jesus so much. I am searching and seeking to be close to Him, to be held by Him to feel Him all around me and be comforted. Then when I rest in Him for a while it feels so good but i'm constantly being lured away from His grip by other things which i think will satisfy me but only lead me back to His lap.

I want to tell Collin to just be still and rest and wait. If he would just let me hold him we both would be happy. But he keeps yanking and pulling away.

I love the song that says
"I want to sit at Your feet,
Drink from the cup in your hand,
Lay back against you and breathe,
Feel your heart beat.."

This is what I desire. Closeness with the Lord. I want to KNOW Him. I want to crawl to his lap and lean against Him. He is the only true comforter. And it would please us both if I would just sit still and rest with Him.